Reflection - 1

Writing is something I liked in my life all the time, unlike many other activities that I have been dropping over the years from the list of hobbies, and still I love writing. But, I haven’t written many, I am asking myself, except for few poems I wrote in my mother tongue and the articles and posts on my site where I doubt whether the cause for my writing is genuinely I like writing or merely I want to impress someone, loudly cry that I am neither nobody nor somebody. It is the ability to think what we are thinking distinguishes us – human - from animals, and I think I am going to overuse it as I have already written or talked about what I am thinking and now writing about my contemplations. It need not mean that I spoke genuinely and openly in the past, but I am trying to express my reflections openly here.

I started to read Paulo Coelho’s works a year back, mainly as it revolves around self-reflection and self-discovery, or simply being true and free to you. However, I enjoyed the both, in my childhood by contemplating over the issues around me or simply speaking it out.

I displayed myself as a devout Hindu and the lover of Tamil language in my childhood especially in high school. I wanted to impress people with my writings in Tamil, poems and short stories, by delving into self-reflection and social matters. After attending spiritual sessions I acted like I am Hindu devout, where I never went to temple myself. After reading few works on Tamil literature and creative writing, I declared myself the patron of literature and competitions in creative writings. Now I claim myself agnostic, although I am skeptical about it. I just simply want others to see me neither an atheist which I think quite low in status nor a devout which I can’t simply afford to in money or time.

I have always struggled with what I want to be, what I like and how I want people to see me. At the time I enrolled to my first degree, I wanted others to see me as a unique person; I wanted to be an academic to Tamil colleagues whom I thought not enough open-minded – in fact they proved that they are in many occasions – and I wanted Sinhalese colleagues to see me as an open-minded, emotionless person with wide scope of interests; I just forgot to think what I wanted to be.

I have already written about who I am and what I think. How what I write now differs from previous? I am just thinking about what I thought and what I wrote. They were surprisingly not the same. I didn’t want to write what I was thinking as it would reveal the images, what is sacred within me, to the outside and I am quite confident no one would be foolish to do so. I didn’t write what I was thinking I was scared about revealing my own images to myself. Again in the fight between, what I want to be and what I want others to see me, the latter won.